What I'm Living For
by Exhume Symbiosis
Summary: "I never knew what the point of all the heartbreaks and all the ups and downs were, until I realized what I was living for." Slash. Kogan. Rated M for language, smut in the future, and possibly more.
1. Realization

**I think this story is gonna be my main focus because I'm on writers block for practically all the other stories. Second Kogan story, I still have to finish the sequel for my first one. They are in LA in the band in this. **

**(A/N: Logan's POV)**

* * *

><p><em>I've waited a hundred years, but I'd wait a million more for you.<em>

* * *

><p>The second you realize you're in love with someone is slightly painful and also a very happy moment. It might be different for other people, but for me, I felt a sharp pain in my chest and then a feeling as if someone was soothing whatever pain was there.<p>

The first time I felt it, I was in my room on ScuttelButter, looking through all my friends' profile. I came across a certain one I happen to look at everyday.

One of my best friend's page, Kendall Knight. I click the link and it leads me to Kendall's page.

His about me is full of how he is a hockey star, (which he is) and how he can sing well. (which he can.) It also mentions how he's a part of Big Time Rush.

I click his pictures and look at my tall, blonde, friend. He has beautiful green eyes and bushy eyebrows that only he can pull off.

That's what I felt it.

The pain. This aching, wanting, _needing_ type of pain that only one person could heal. Kendall.

I wince. At first, I didn't realize what it meant. Sometimes I felt like this when I lost a family member or a close friend, even after a break up.

But why with Kendall?

My questions were interrupted when the pain was replaced by what felt like ecstasy rising from the pit of my stomach to every centimeter of my heart.

I've _never_ felt such a mix of pain and pleasure before, and I've been through a lot of happy and bad times.

That's when the tears came. I sobbed and sobbed. But during my tears, I was smiling and chuckling.

I was thinking about how much Kendall made me smile, how he made fun of me for saying his name like, "Kindle."

How he brought my confidence up. How he made me feel good about myself.

I remembered how I was always there when his high confidence sometimes became weak and he'd break. He would never let anyone see him break except for me and maybe his mother.

I started smiling when I remembered the happy tears that came out of Kendall's eyes when he found out we had made the same hockey team in Freshman year, along with our two other best friends James Diamond and Carlos Garcia.

I smiled and sobbed while I thought about the first time we ever got really mad at each other and how we automatically apologized.

I sobbed harder when I remembered when I first met him. I remember his pre-pubescent eyebrows and that little gap he had in between his teeth when we were ten years old.

I remembered how we'd tease James for being such a pretty boy, as Carlos would stand up for his brunette best friend.

The memories flooded back as more tears flooded out.

I smiled the biggest when I remembered the first time Kendall told me he needed me. When he told me that he'd never met anyone like me and that he would always be here for me, as I promised to always be there for him.

I remember when he told me to never change.

I remember when I first realized I had a little crush on Kendall... Boy, I was scared shitless.

I never told him, though. Instead, I tried to move on. I dated a girl named Camille Roberts, who ended up being a real bitch.

When we broke up, Kendall told me that I deserved so much better and to not worry.

The day I broke up with Camille was a few days ago.

Today, I realized that although Camille still hurt me, I didn't love her. I barely knew her.

The person I loved was currently at the hockey rink, practicing slap shots as he did every Friday night.

I looked at the clock, my eyes still blurred with tears.

Almost midnight. He should be home soon.

Just as I said that, Kendall entered the room. I quickly wiped my tears.

"Hey, Logie." Kendall smiled. He paused and stared harder at my face. "Are you crying?"

"No, does it look like I've been?" I lie, trying to play it off.

"Yeah." Kendall frowns.

"Oh, I'm fine. Just tired. Don't worry." I smile.

Kendall smiles again. "Alright. Well, I'm gonna go shower. Get some rest, bud."

I nod and smile back as Kendall walks into the bathroom.

I sigh, relieved. I stretch, put my phone away, and climb under my covers. I drift into sleep.

* * *

><p>I was asleep for about 10 minutes when Kendall shook me awake.<p>

"Hmm?" I mumble, realizing how tired I really was.

"Hey... So, were you crying earlier?" Kendall's voice asks. It's too dark to see.

"I'm fine. Trust me." I say. Because, honestly, I was fine. I was absolutely perfect. I was in love.

"Alright. But was it Camille?"

"Who's Camille?" I joke. Kendall laughs and pats my shoulder softly.

"Alright, well I'm always here... but, you already know that." I can hear the smile in his voice.

"I do know. Thanks." I smile back.

"Yep." Kendall sighs happily, standing up and I hear him get in his bed. "Goodnight, Logan."

"Night, Kendall."

As I heard Kendall start to snore after a few minutes, I thought about how I needed to tell him.

Even Kendall's told me before; holding in your feelings gets you no where. Whatever happens if I expressed how I feel is going to hurt as much as if I never express what I'm feeling.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you enjoyed :) Next chapter will be posted depending on the reviews and favorites and all that. So please review.<strong>

**I promise this story will get better.**


	2. Song Writing and the Hollywood Sign

**ankjsnakjnga Thank you so much for all the story alerts and reviews! **

**(A/N: Logan's POV)**

* * *

><p><em>Nothing prepared me for what the privilege of <em>_being_ _yours would do._

* * *

><p>I awoke the next morning at seven. The band and I had to go into the studio to record a new song. Gustavo hadn't told us what the surprise song was going to be about, or even told us why Kendall was so excited about it.<p>

I was awoken by Kendall. He softly nudged my shoulder, whispering, "Hey Logan, get up bud. We gotta head to the studio."

I woke up and looked into his green eyes, realizing I would kill to wake up every morning to see those green eyes looking at me with the softness and love I felt he was currently looking at me with.

I would _love_ to wake up to that every morning.

I smiled groggily. "Alright."

I got up and hopped in the shower before heading off to the studio.

* * *

><p>Once we were at the studio, Kendall was overly excited causing Carlos to become excited. James was confused and I was just laughing.<p>

Gustavo walked in, followed by Kelly.

"Dogs, sit. Except for Kendall. Kendall, show them your surprise."

Kendall smiled big and got up, pulling a CD out of his coat pocket.

"What's that?" Carlos asked.

"A demo. I wrote a song." Kendall smiled proudly.

"Seriously? Nice! Play it!" James exclaimed happily. I nodded in agreement.

Kendall smiled at me one last time before placing the CD in the big stereo surround system. Soon, Kendall's soft voice filled the room.

_"I don't know why you always get so insecure," _Kendall's voice sang._ "I wish you could see what I see when you look into the mirror. And why won't you believe me when I say that to me you get more beautiful everyday? When you're looking in the magazines and thinking you'll just never measure up... you're wrong. Cause you're my cover, cover girl. I think you're a superstar, yeah you are, why don't you know? Yeah you're so pretty that it hurts. It's what's underneath the skin, the beauty that shines within. You're the only one who rocks my world, my cover girl."_

Carlos had a huge smile in his face as James looked just as ecstatic. My heart was racing from the sweet words sung by the confident, happy, green-eyed boy standing in front of me.

I smiled too.

"Well, what do you guys think?" Kendall asked.

"We love it!" We all exclaimed at pretty much the same time.

"Thanks, it's not all the way done but-" Kendall began, looking down.

"No, Kendall. Who cares? It's awesome. I bet you'll write an awesome ending. You're great at finishing things while still giving 100 percent." I suddenly blurted out.

James and Carlos were asking a bunch of questions to Gustavo about how that should be the first song we record on our new album.

Kendall walked over to me. "Thanks, Logan." He smiled.

I smiled back. "No problem."

"Hey, wanna hang out later? Just us two... It hasn't been like that in a while." Kendall asks.

"I know. Yeah, of course."

"Cool," Kendall smiled. I wouldn't mind waking up to that smile every morning either.

I wasn't much of a morning person, but when Kendall was around I was.

* * *

><p>Gustavo calmed Carlos and James down. We were gonna record the song once Kendall finished it.<p>

We arrived back at apartment 2J, Carlos and James saying they were gonna go tan.

Once they were gone, Kendall looked over at me.

"You could help me finish the song!" He suddenly smiled. "If you want."

"Uh... I'm not much of a lyric writer..." I chuckled.

"Shut up, Logan. I still remember the poems from English class in freshman year."

Oh God. I thought he'd forgotten.

"Yeah... Well, okay. Let's do it." I smiled.

Kendall ran to our shared bedroom, coming back with a journal.

"I write songs in here... But 'Cover Girl' is the only one I've had enough confidence in." He smiled shyly.

"Can I see the others?" I ask.

"S-sure..." For the first time in a while, I saw Kendall Knight blush.

I chuckled and took the book out of his hands. I opened the first page and it was dated back to the first week we arrived in Hollywood.

I read through the unfinished lyrics. This song was about someone with beautiful mahogany eyes. I assumed it was about Jo, till I realized Jo wasn't at the Palm Woods till a few weeks after and now she was in New Zealand.

I flipped the page. Page after page, he was always talking about someone and how much he loved them.

"These are really good." I looked up at Kendall, who refused to meet my eyes. "Who are they about?"

"No one really, just came to me."

"They're awesome. Really good." I smiled.

"Thanks," Kendall smiled and blushed some more. Why was he acting so shy? Probably because these are some of his inner most feelings and Kendall didn't like to share those with anyone.

"Let's start with 'Cover Girl'," Kendall suddenly said. His face wasn't red anymore.

After about an hour of writing lyrics, we finished. Kendall repeated the lyrics to me, a huge smile on his face.

"We did good." Kendall smiled after reading the lyrics.

"I agree."

* * *

><p>Later that night, Mama Knight made us some dinner. We told her all about the song and she was proud of us.<p>

After dinner, we all headed to bed because tomorrow we'd actually record the song.

Kendall stretched and looked over at me from his bed. "Thanks for finishing the song with me."

"You're welcome." I smiled at him. Kendall smiled but then looked away quickly. I frowned. "Is something wrong?"

"No. Wanna go on a drive?" He asked suddenly.

"Um... Sure. Won't your mother disapprove?"

"She's asleep. She won't care if she doesn't know." Kendall smirked.

I chuckled. "Alright, lets go."

Once we were in the car, Kendall pulled out and we drove around the street lit town of Hollywood.

It was silent and I don't know why.

"Do you wanna go to the Hollywood sign? I'll cover for us if we get caught." Kendall asked.

"Sure," I replied.

Kendall changed out directions and soon we were on our way to a more quieter and more peaceful place.

It was quiet the whole way there and it was quiet the whole walk up to the sign.

Man, it was cold. Kendall was smart and brought a hoodie.

I shivered the second we sat down, next to the big "H".

"Hmm, I'm cold too... But come here." Kendall suddenly said. I walked over to Kendall and sat next to him.

He cleared his throat. He put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. He wrapped his free hand around me and placed his head on mine. I wonder if he could feel my heart beating as fast as it was.

Kendall and I, despite how long we've been best friends, had never done anything like this.

Well once, but that was while we were camping with Carlos and James too.

Kendall finally spoke. "This isn't too awkward, is it?"

"No, it's nice." I found myself saying. My face got hot at the words I had just said.

Kendall chuckled. "I like it too."

Those four words made me feel brand new. They made me feel as if I had a chance, cause maybe I did.

Kendall hummed and laid back, leaving me sitting. I felt a little empty until Kendall pulled me down with him. He wrapped his arm around me again, but this time we were kind of in a cuddling position. I was now resting my head on his chest as his head rested on mine.

We stayed like this for a while. We didn't speak, we just stayed still and rested.

About an hour had passed.

"We better get home." Kendall replied, sounding bummed out.

"Yeah," I nodded. We rose to our feet, my body already feeling cold from the lack of Kendall. We walked back to the car and drove back to the Palm Woods.

The second we reached apartment 2J, we went straight to our bedroom. He laid down and so did I, but in our separate beds.

"Goodnight, Logan."

"Goodnight." I replied.

About an hour had passed and I knew neither of us were asleep yet. About another hour passed and Kendall's breathing slowed down and he was snoring quietly.

I decided I needed to rest too.

* * *

><p>The next morning, it was as if it never happened.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you liked ittttt! Next chapter will once again be depending on whether or not I get reviews and alerts and all that.<strong>


End file.
